Dating while widowed

Every widow/widower will tell you that by far one of the things that is most difficult to talk about is the “d” word: dating. I know that for me, personally, it came with a mixture of emotions: guilt, anticipation, excitement, sadness, longing.

Within a few months of Trey passing away, I knew I didn’t want to be alone forever. With Trey, I had experienced how great life could be when shared with someone. I had learned how much more fulfilling it was to have someone to care about, to think about, how much less selfish you had to be in your every thought and action. I wanted to find that again. And I was not under any romantic disillusion that there is only one person for one other person in the world; the world is too large and too full of chance for that to be possible. Even in my darkest days I never lost hope in myself or in the possibility of finding a partner again.

But I also knew that I needed time to heal. And what that right amount of time would be was going to be specific to me. For people looking in from the outside it is easy to judge a widow; “wow, they didn’t waste any time at all jumping back into the dating pool”, or, “I don’t understand what they’re waiting for, it’s been x years” were common judgments posted by fellow widows in my groups. However, there is no magic date to be ready to start dating again and no one else will know you’re ready except you; and even you may not know at first. You don’t wake up one day and say, “well, it’s been a year, I’m ready to start dating now.” That’s not how healing works.

For me, there were false starts. It was important to me to be open and honest about who I am, the fact that I was widowed, and what I was feeling. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else if I wasn’t ready or I was working through my own stuff; this was incredibly important to me. Despite this, I definitely found that I tried the first time, and wasn’t ready. And that’s ok; sometimes you actually don’t know how you’re going to react until you’re actually in a situation and experiencing it.

I was extremely open about being a widow; if that freaked someone out, then I clearly wouldn’t want to go out with them. I have to say that everyone I met was genuinely nice, kind, and lovely, even if they are not my person. I believe that by being open from the beginning about being widowed I have attracted progressive, caring, open men who have been very comfortable with me talking about Trey (because I do all the time). Having had my relationship with Trey makes it so much easier to respect that I will not settle just to fill the loneliness. For this I am proud.

I am lucky that I have friends, family, and in-laws who have encouraged me to move forward with dating. They understand that in doing this it does not lessen my love for Trey in any way and does not detract from our love; in many ways, I have found that dating has actually sparked so many memories from the early days of Trey’s and my dating, and for that I am grateful. It is not all sunshine and roses, though; I have spent many a therapy session working through the irrational guilt that arises from wanting to meet someone, from wanting to have a happy and healthy relationship, and from the guilt that arises when you actually do.

And that’s the part they don’t tell you; I feel guilty for being in a happy, healthy relationship. For the past few months I have been dating someone; he reminds me so much of Trey in some ways, but he’s also so different. He listens when I talk about my life with Trey without any jealousy because he knows it has made me who I am. He understands that being happy in our relationship does not erase the pain of my loss and does not stop my tears from flowing. I do not know where things will go with him, but I am grateful to know that my heart is capable of still being open.

I’ll end it with a piece of advice. If you know a widow or widower, support them in their dating efforts, but do not push them into something they are not ready for. Being widowed is incredibly lonely, and I guarantee that they are already being hard enough on themselves without needing anything but encouragement and acceptance from their loved ones.